C h e c k l i s t

Check to the end...

          ☑ Chemotherapy
          ☑ Surgery
          ☑ Radiation
          Maintenance Therapy
                     ☑  Herceptin
                     ☐  Anti-Hormonal Treatment

May 8, 2013

Being a Mother. Not a question of choice anymore.

I came back from my annual "lady" doctor appointment. My gynaec is also a breast cancer survivor and has had kids after her diagnosis, difference being she harvested her eggs before they got fried forever! I for many reasons did not at that point. Am I kicking myself for that today? Yes a bit. I still feel cheated robbed mugged! It is a loss so deep yet I have no words to verbalize or talk about it to anyone in person. It is just a very deep deep felt emptiness.

My gynaec and I talk about a lot of stuff ... We talk about breast cancer, our boys, our boys absolutely loving their mamas with all their heart and soul, about the fact that breast cancer has made us so much more aware about our lives, brought about some equanimity in our lives. And for that I feel blessed. I feel blessed that I am doing yoga, playing tennis, have energy to work full time and lead a good life.

But there are days that I still feel robbed. I see people go about their lives fearlessly and beautifully like a bird  gliding in the sky! And then I feel my one wing has been clipped and cannot soar as high as these beautiful birds. I know there is a story behind every pair of eyes and I don't know what these peoples' stories are. As for me I am perched on the branch enjoying the view of the river flowing below rather than the sky high up!

That brings me to my little treasure, Sahil. Sahil has grown into such a fearless at the same time sensitive child. There is a lot that we need to reign him in for but I see past all the energy and see a sweet beautiful and creative child in him. He surprises me every day with his ever growing vocabulary, his ability to say the most profound things, his innate knowledge on his world and the life around him, and his ability to say "its okay mom" to me when I need it the most.

There are days like today when I mourn the loss of my fertility, but at the same time cherish what I have in my little boy. My little boy who some times looks at me with those big eyes as if he knows it all, as if he has gone through my pain with me. And there are days when he will bump his head intentionally on my cheekbone to get that "aaaah that hurts" "just you wait" reaction from me and I know he knows nothing more than a 4 year old should know anyways!!

Love and Peace to all moms I know.

Happy Mother's Day!