C h e c k l i s t

Check to the end...

          ☑ Chemotherapy
          ☑ Surgery
          ☑ Radiation
          Maintenance Therapy
                     ☑  Herceptin
                     ☐  Anti-Hormonal Treatment

April 26, 2012

Get comfortable!

I have been uncomfortable since my first mastectomy. I just felt that my surgical incision was too tight, the prosthetic breast too inconvenient, and I had too many reminders each day while looking in the mirror. After my second mastectomy last summer,  I had expanders on both sides, and I spent several days looking like a flat-chested boy. Then came the expansion process where I would see them fill the little magical expanders with saline each week and I started blossoming into a young girl again. LOL! The expansion process turned pretty painful towards the end. And ever since I have been uncomfortable with the feeling of everything being too tight, too hard, too rigid. I wake up in the middle of the night wanting to take the tight bra off and realize that these are the damn freakin expanders! I run they don't move, I do yoga and they don't lie quietly in the room with me, I lift weight and they are dead weights already on my body, I mean who doesn't like to move while doing Zumba! Get on with the program girls! They are in my way wherever I turn and go!
I am happy that I can wear V necks again and this summer I wont be wearing a prostheses in my swimsuit, but I am the happiest that these rocks are getting replaced by soft squishes. I want to swim, run, swim, run, swim, run....freely! You get the picture, right?
I have to be careful about being more modest. I have lost it all, partly because I open my hospital gown and sit bare-chested in front of so many doctors and nurses, but also because I really am like a man now! I don't have breasts and I could actually walk around shirtless, but the point is that people will care! They will think I am crazy! And so I need some of my modesty back. May be I will get a bit more feminine with the squishes. This whole breast cancer journey has made me a lost soul. I am trying to redefine myself. I am trying hard. I have accepted I am not the way I was meant to be. I am different, my path is different, my journey is different. These obstacles in my journey are not common are not easy, but I will get past them. One obstacle at a time, one hard rock in the chest at a time. I have to put one foot in front of the other. I have to answer my son's questions "What are these mom?" Me: "These are your nipples" Sahil: "Then why doesnt Diego or you have them mommy?" Me: "Do you want to eat some fish crackers?". I will be better prepared to answer this question next time, and this is another reminder to get my modesty back!

Medical Update: Exchange surgery on 5/3/2012. Recovery is about a week. Hoping for a good outcome so that I dont require a revision.