C h e c k l i s t

Check to the end...

          ☑ Chemotherapy
          ☑ Surgery
          ☑ Radiation
          Maintenance Therapy
                     ☑  Herceptin
                     ☐  Anti-Hormonal Treatment

June 29, 2010

Surgery rescheduled for July 1

Bela had her surgery today morning. The surgery started at 8am and was done around 11am. Everything went well as planned, and the surgeon said that he did not visibly see the tumor; which was as expected since we saw that during the ultrasound after Bela's last chemo.
Bela is sleepy and recovering as I type... and has a smile on her face :)

June 27, 2010

My mother is the most beautiful woman in the world

Have you guys read the russian folk tale "My mother is the most beautiful woman in the world"? We had that moment at home today...Dinar shows Sahil one of those Victoria's Secret coupon booklets and asks him who the model is and my child points to me and says "mumma"! And not just once, but every single time he was asked.

Well only a child can look past the bald head, uber round puffy face(thanks to the chemo) of his mom and think his mom is the one in the VS catalogue! My babushka totally looking through the eyes of love...

I thought it was uber cute and so reminded me of this russian tale!

Love. Live. Laugh.

Sahy's hot VS model like mommy! :)



June 24, 2010

Biggest fight of my life... so far....

I am so overwhelmed with emotions today. It just struck me today that this is the biggest fight of my life and a fight to live. It struck me that all the crappy chemo, surgery, rads, and other chemicals being infused in me is so that I live, live a full life. This is about living and not dying.

Well people are not comfortable talking about death, but believe me it has been on my mind often since my diagnosis. A few months back I kept thinking well most people live their lives not knowing how they are going to make the grand exit, but I know it. Well that is not completely true as I could be hit by lightning tomorrow or die of a heart attack at 80.

But as I said this fight is to live. To live a life after being blasted with toxins, mutilated, exposed to radiation (as my uncle said I am better off going to Chernobyl), and as if that was not enough to ingest even more chemicals to alter what my organs would normally do. If you can survive all this, you deserve to live.

Next Thursday is my surgery. I choose not to discuss why and what kind of surgery I have decided to have. All I can say is that I will do every possible thing that I can to live and be there for my son. So that I can see him as a well rounded grown up man with a kind heart, compassionate, and loving and so that he will never know that ma-ma was sick, ever. Nothing else matters more than this single aim in my life.

I am bringing out my boxing gloves....I need to box in addition to kicking C's ass.

LIVE. LIVE. LIVE.
LOVE. LOVE.LOVE.
LAUGH. LAUGH. LAUGH.

Bela

June 16, 2010

YAY!!! YAY!!!! YAY!!!

I just got back from Duke. My post-chemo breast ultrasound shows no sonographical abnormalities in the breast, aka tumor has melted away. All that is remaining is the surgical clip at the site of the tumor.

I thought I will give y'all the good news.

Keep kickin...Keep livin....Keep lovin....Keep laughin...:)

Keep it real.

BB




June 15, 2010

Race for the Cure 2010

One sister made a promise to another sister and "Susan G. Komen for the Cure" was founded. Their annual race was in Raleigh last Saturday, June 12th, five days after my last chemotherapy. My friend, Tushar had put together a team of warriors some whom I knew, some I met on that day, some invisible ones. Team kickcancerspunylittlebutt  raised almost $1,800 for the cause.  This money raised is used by the Susan G. Komen to pay for screening and treatment of uninsured and under-insured women and men with breast cancer. It also funds cutting edge research in this area.

Tushar, thanks so much for taking this up and doing such a great job! All the runners thanks for running, some were hungover, some were sleep deprived because of cranky kids, some ran two 5 Ks, and some got a buzz cut :). But it was a hot day and not the best day to run a race and they all ran while I sat in the shade watching people. A big thanks to all the donors for supporting this cause.

Being at the race, was very emotional for me for variety of reasons. First I never thought I would be wearing a pink survivor's t-shirt at such an event, ever. Second, seeing so many people wake up early in the morning, park at one place, and ride in a bus to get to the venue so that they can make a stride towards curing this disease and the sheer magnitude of the event is awe inspiring. I believe there were about 25,000 people at the event, some in wheel chairs, babies in strollers, youngsters, old and spirited, all types of people you can imagine. I was also very touched with all the people who ran for me or supported the cause. I really cannot tell you how much it means to me that you guys care for my recovery and cure. Many of these fine people do not know me but know my story and are there for me through their comments on my blog, sometimes emails, occasional message through a friend and so on. People care, empathize and that's what makes us humans so special. We really want to stop suffering and pain, and we want the greater good, collectively. There is so much cynicism and skepticism in the world, but during such times it all evaporates.

I took part in the survivor parade and it was very emotional for me. I walked with all women who were survivors for under 1 year, and were joined with other survivors with the longest survivor being one for 50 years! And everyone in my group said to each other that we want to be in that woman's shoes 50 years from now! The sisterhood is amazing, women hugging each other, telling each other it will be okay.

They talked about co-survivors and they being such a big part of this journey. And although, I dont particularly like the co-survivor, survivor words, I totally agree that I could not do this without my own army of warriors, especially my mother Pratima, my sister Zarina, my brother Vikram, and last and the most my dear husband Dinar. I love you, always.

Love. Live. Laugh.
Bela

June 10, 2010

Cant wait....

 This list is completely self centered and selfish, but nevertheless honest.
I cant wait to
1. Have my hair back
2. Have some normalcy in life and a routine that does not revolve around treatment
3. Go to Paris. I have wanted to go there for the past 5 years at least, but it never worked out.
4. Take up exercising and have killer abs for once in my life. It stems from my body failing me so early in life and me wanting to show my body that I wont let it give up on me!
5. Go veggie and organic. I may still eat eggs and fish.
6. Lead a paraben, sulphate, and phthalate free life....That means revamping my bathroom cabinet and personal products.
7. Lead a hormone free life, especially in dairy and eggs. For my family cook hormone free poultry.
8. Take many vacations and make memories. Take lots of pictures of my loves.
9. Drink lots of water, fresh veggie juices and fruit juices.
10. Toss out plastic ware with number 5,6,and 7 at the bottom. Not good and lots of links to cancer. Use more glass and stainless steel utensils.
11. Buy great juicer, blender and food processor and make more wholesome food from scratch. Minimize processed food. We started the food revolution at home a few months back and it seems to be working well so far.
12. Toss out non-stick teflon pans. I dont need that stuff getting into my food. Get a cast iron skillet.
13. Feel good, wholesome, peaceful, and young and sexy again. This will be a long process considering I feel I have aged good 25-30 years in the past few months. But yoga, meditation and exercise will help me repair myself.
14. I do like my cosmos and mojitos occasionally, but have been pregnant, breast feeding, or in cancer treatment for past many months and have not missed em so much. So except for every once in a while, no alcohol for me. Too many links to recurrences.

I realize I am being all about myself in this post. I know these changes come at a cost and I am willing to make them very gradually. Some of these wants seem extreme but this is a wish list. If anything it will require a lot of cooperation and patience and understanding from my hubby.

On medical update side, June 16th is my breast ultrasound. This will tell us how well the cancer has responded to chemo. June 28th is my maintenance herceptin infusion and some pre-op appointments,  June 29th is my surgery. I will let Dinar elaborate more on the treatment plan later.

Love. Live. Laugh.
Bela


June 6, 2010

2010 sucks!

I have lost first 6 months of this year to this disease! It was not just a bumpy start to the year but I felt like I was shaken so hard that I am still rattling inside to this day. I so don't want to go to Duke tomorrow! Eff chemo! Tell me how is this fair? Is life fair????????????? This sucks!!!!!

Will I ever be able to sleep without thinking if I am going to be around for Sahil? Will I ever stop feeling insecure about everything that is going to happen 5 years from today? Do I really need to make the decision on type of surgery? What if it comes back? What if it comes back somewhere other than my breast? What if I dont make it then? Come on God! I just want to live. Please for once cut me some slack!

Yeah I will think positively, just not tonight.