C h e c k l i s t

Check to the end...

          ☑ Chemotherapy
          ☑ Surgery
          ☑ Radiation
          Maintenance Therapy
                     ☑  Herceptin
                     ☐  Anti-Hormonal Treatment

April 27, 2010

Half Way There...

Bela had her mid-point ultrasound just before the 4th chemo yesterday. I think both she and I were a little nervous driving up there in anticipation of what we were about to find.
So the reports say that the tumor and lymph nodes have shrunk by more than 50% over the original measurements before the start of chemo. During the consult with the doctor, she said that it was good progress in that with 50% of the chemotherapy treatment done, the tumor had reduced by more than 50%. That was the first time I heard the term ' stupid cancer', which essentially meant cancer cells that don't outsmart the chemo drugs.
All in all, it was a small milestone and it certainly makes us anticipate the results at the end of the chemotherapy.

April 24, 2010

Is that me in the mirror?

Is that me in the mirror?
When I close my eyes
I see my face as I have known forever
But when I look in the mirror, I see a reflection I have seen never
My face is round and lashes are long
But now my reflection proves me wrong
My brows adorn my face thick and dark
My reflection shows a thin line of brows, the difference so stark
My hair long, wavy, brown
Now just my bald head, makes me frown
I wonder if that is really me in the mirror?
Some days the eyes look really sunken and some days bright
Some days I see hope in them and some days fright
I look at my reflection and force a smile
Oh yes that is me, that has been me all the while....

April 14, 2010

Riding on a high wave today!

I am scarily upbeat today and I can't even blame it on the steroids I took last week! May be because today is the day I drank coffee for the first time after my treatment last Monday and it did taste a little bit like coffee and smelt like one for sure!

So do you guys think I can walk the 1 mile survivor walk for Susan Komen Race, 5 days after my "LAST" chemo on June 7th?

Seriously I am worried for being in such a "yay life is great!" frame of mind :) I think part of it is because I read a book that I loved. It is a memoir by Kelly Corrigan called "The middle place". I felt we were both the same people. Her absolute unconditional love for her dad and her experiences with BC and attitude about it is uncannily similar to mine. Have I told you my biggest fan was my dad and his me? He was strong through his illnesses. I never saw him wimper, cry, flinch through the pain and suffering. And I am told his last meal was a special stuffed sweet bread (puran poli) that he loved. Wow what a grand way to say good bye to life! My Hero. My Love. My Papa. This book brought back all my emotions about my pa to the surface and made me think that even after 9 years, I will think of him in the same way as I always have.

Here is the link to Kelly Corrigan's website : http://www.circusofcancer.org/

I might as well go for a ralk/wrun today to channelize this upbeatness.

Love. Live.Laugh.


April 6, 2010

You are my sunshine...my little ray of hope and love...

I am so grateful for being a mom before this life altering event (really was urging to say another word but stopped myself!). A lot of my elders are reading this and someday my baby will, or may be he never will as all this will be a distant memory!

But yes I am so glad to have had this opportunity to be a mom. I did not know how much I loved kids until my niece was born. I saw her first when she was 6 weeks old, and when I held her for the first time, I had changed forever. I felt a connection to her immediately.  I was part of her gene pool, she was my brother's child, my papa's grandchild, she would call my mom Aaji. She was mine. And yes at least half of all that goodness in her is from her lovely mommy and her lovely family.

Summer of 2008, Zyra and her parents moved to Cary from Boston and lived with us for a few months. I knew after being with 'Zyroo Myroo' and spending so much time with her that I would be an okay mom...A better mom to a child than I had been to my plant in Boston. Okay, most of my friends know my plant story and my desperation to save it (read thaw it back to life) :).

But this post is not about what kind of mom I am or will be. It is about how grateful I am for having Sahil and for the opportunity to be a mom. I always took it for granted that I will have 3 kids when the time was right and probably waited too long. Never the thought that, I probably could not, ever crossed my mind. I was invincible, right? I was only in my early 30s and living in the modern era where it was safe to have kids way into your 30s..Plus did I say that I thought I was invincible?

Sahil has taught me a lot. He has taught me to be patient and to love someone unconditionally. Above all he has taught me to loosen up, to make silly faces and belly laughs and giggle at being poked, scratched, bitten, licked, and thrown things at! Simple things. He has made me want to slow down and take it all in. It is not about that party, or girl's night out or that pair of jeans anymore...It is so much more now.

I totally believe that your childhood can make you or screw you up or a little bit of both. You always hang onto the first 15-20 years of your life for the rest of your life. Have you heard your parents and grandparents and lately you talk about how we did something when we were little and all the good stuff? So now you know the responsibilty a new parent feels about not completing scewing up this little sponge in your hands. He is watching us and taking it all in all the time. He is looking up at us for love, comfort and above all direction. He has taught me a lot in this year and everyday I strive to be a person he will love and be proud of when he grows up. We will skip the teen years when it will be so "uncool" to be friends with your parents. I will tell and remind myself that I "totally" understand that :).

It has been a great year in many ways! I remember the first three months where everything is new, challenging, and you realize that the sleep deprivation is not a myth, but as cliched it is, it is totally worth it. And someday, may be I will get to experience this all over again--- the first year of a child's life. But then if I cannot, then I wont be heartbroken, because I am soooo grateful to for my little sunshine. He is truly my ray of hope.

Hmm...Yes we need to also say something about the elephant in the room. Yesterday was my chemo. I did not have my Monday morning blues after a great weekend with great friends and family. My friend, my sister, Sukhu, came with me to the treatment and we both talked, chilled, napped in the chemo lounge. She so wanted to fuss over me---it was plain cute. By the way, she did not let me carry my own purse, forget the backpack! If you have not met her, you are missing something. She is one of a kind and a must meet and Amogh her hubby is not too shabby either :) .

Our wonderful friends Sukhada and Amogh who came all the way from Florida for the party!

Now off to an off week...But I will be back!

Love. Live. Laugh

Sahil's Mommy

Sharing some of Sahy's B'day Pictures at his "big party" and his "daycare party"...

April 2, 2010

The days are rolling by...

It was Sahil's birthday week and he had a blast at his day care birthday party. He is having another birthday party this Saturday and everyone is in the midst of making it happen. I remember a few months ago Bela and I had talked about having a small birthday party at home for Sahil... but that opinion changed in the last couple of months.
Like many things in life, I am re-evaluating all these important events in our lives. Are they like any other, or have they taken on a different meaning. Sahil's birthday is the simplest one to analyze... at this age his mom and dad are mom and dad for him - pure and simple. As long as he gets his cake he is happy.
What I am happy about is seeing Bela excited about this party. She is as involved as she is in all of her parties... and her attitude about it has been very joyous. I am sure we will have lot more occasions to celebrate...